Codependent, much?
“So, you have identity issues,” my therapist said during my first session.
Ummm, excuse me? I thought. She had just met me, so how could she possibly know anything that deep about me? It rubbed me the wrong way to say the very least and I stewed on it the whole drive home. I ranted to God, called my therapist weird, and I honestly thought about never going back to therapy.
But then God fed me a piece of humble pie and revealed to me all the reasons she was right.
Growing up and well into adulthood, I was always the girl who preferred being friends with guys. You can read about that testimony here.
Quite often I used to find myself in “situationships” and friendships with guys who loved parts of me, but only the parts that benefited them. It honestly used to feel “good.” I was super broken with (clear) identity issues. But I was getting the attention I desired, so I overlooked the warning signs that I was becoming extremely codependent. I felt like I was valuable because they would give me words of affirmation, seek my advice, use my creativity, or want to spend time with me.
I placed my identity in what I could offer men, but when they no longer wanted me, it left me feeling so broken. In fact, one particular instance landed me in the hospital after a suicide attempt.
It’s only through my mistakes and God’s grace that I’m able to sit here and write to you about the dangers of codependency. But like with anything else, God is a healer.
If you’ve ever struggled with codependency, know someone who does, you don’t know what codependency is, or you just landed here out of curiosity, feel free to read on.
What is codependency?
There are a lot of moving parts to codependency. It was first only used to describe the partners, friends, and family members of alcoholics.
The term has since expanded and is used to describe a condition that affects a person’s ability to have healthy and mutually satisfying relationships. There is such a mental, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual reliance on another person that you can’t function independently anymore. Your mood, identity, and happiness are defined by the other person.
Codependency can affect any relationship, including children, parents, friends, romantic partners, siblings, co-workers, and so on.
What Causes Codependency?
As I mentioned, codependency was first only used to describe the partners, friends, and family members of alcoholics. Researchers studied the relationships of people with alcohol addictions and found that codependency is a learned behavior, usually during childhood, where the dependent person witnessed family members who also had codependent behaviors.
People who battle codependency often think their needs don’t matter because they’re often disregarded, so instead, the person shifts their attention to someone who is addicted or ill, because the needy person relies on them and makes them feel wanted.
My story of codependency
I grew up in a household where my feelings were often dismissed. I was raised in a single-parent home, and my mother had to be the breadwinner in order to provide for my sisters and me, so emotional needs often went unmet.
My father wasn’t in my everyday life, so because my innate need for attention and affection was unmet, I sought after relationships that could meet it. Which led me to relationships where I felt desired or wanted.
I found out what a beast codependency was when a friendship with a particular guy came crashing down. I felt confused, lost, and heartbroken. I couldn’t understand how something I invested in so much could be gone in the blink of an eye.
How did I know something was wrong in this friendship?
Though the friendship with this guy started out very satisfying, it definitely didn’t stay that way. At first, we were best friends and it was great. We knew everything about each other, knew the traumas that shaped us, and knew each other’s mannerisms and facial expressions to a science. He would invest in my dreams and buy the things I liked. And I would do the same for him. It felt so good to feel seen and heard.
I developed romantic feelings and wanted more than a friendship, but he didn’t. He shared with me his deepest hurts about past friendships and trauma and in that moment, I placed my romantic feelings aside and wanted to just show up for him as a good friend. I told myself that way I felt didn’t matter. In my head, he needed someone to take care of him and show him that genuine friendships do exist, and I had convinced myself that I was the person to take on that role.
So, instead of creating healthy emotional boundaries within the friendship, we continued on as normal as my heart become more and more attached.
Relationships that are created through codependency often turn abusive, one-sided, or emotionally destructive, and unfortunately, this became my story. This friendship quickly turned emotionally abusive. But because I had a poor sense of identity and felt like I needed him and he needed me, I stayed and pursued, and then we’d fight and then make-up, so I’d stay and pursue some more and this cycle lasted for a few years. And some of the ugliest parts of me showed up.
He’d make me feel special one day (i.e. love bombing) and then completely shut down and give me the silent treatment the next (i.e. stonewalling). He’d lie and gaslight me when I would confront him about issues. He’d shift blame and project most things onto me and I would often find myself apologizing even when he was the one who did something wrong. It really started to affect me mentally and emotionally. I felt like I was literally going crazy.
But I was so attached to him, I would lie and manipulate him back, just so I could feel his love again (i.e. trauma bonding). It was honestly twisted, sinful, and just lead to more emptiness. He was never going to be able to give me everything I needed because no human person can.
When it all fell apart and I felt so low I tried to take my own life (twice), I knew something was terribly wrong.
How mental illness plays a part
It’s very common for codependent people to also suffer from mental illness or addiction. Codependency isn’t a diagnosis on its own, it often stems from mental illness or addiction. For me, I have a diagnosis of PTSD, depression, and anxiety. These make me more prone to codependent behaviors and identity issues. So, my therapist was right. I’m grateful she called it out.
Even now, though I’ve seen a lot of healing in this area, I see codependency trying to creep into my relationships, especially when things are going wrong. My natural self wants to hold on for dear life if I feel like I’m being rejected, pushed away, or abandoned. And I tend to overextend myself just to prove I’m worth being in someone’s life.
This is all rooted in identity issues. When I feel this way, I have to be very careful and remind myself that the only relationship my identity is tied to is my relationship with God.
Signs of Codependency
I want to share with you some signs of codependency for awareness and so that you can get the help you need if this is you. Signs and indicators of codependent behavior include:
Low self-esteem
Poor boundaries with others
A need for control
Obsessions
Lying
An extreme need for approval or recognition
Walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict with the other person
Feeling sorry even when THEY hurt YOU
Putting the person on a pedestal
There are other signs and symptoms, so this is not an exhaustive list. I’d also like to add that I am not a doctor, psychologist, or a licensed professional counselor. This has just come from my own experience and my need for healing of codependency.
There’s always Grace
Despite how hard this whole experience was or the trauma and brokenness that got me here, the Lord held me tight and never let go. Did I lose friends along the way? Yes. Did I try to take my life? Yes. Did I think I would never be whole again? Yes.
But God.
I’m healthier, thriving, and can hardly recognize myself. I’m not the same girl who tried to kill herself just last year. LAST YEAR, y’all. I’m a living, breathing, walking testimony our how good God is.
One important thing I’ve learned during this journey is a heart of surrender. No matter what it is friend, lay it down at the feet of the Lord. He cares and He wants to you be whole.
Codependency is not our identity.
