To The Girl Who Prefers Guy Friends
Judging by the title, today I’m talking to the girls who prefer to have guy friends.
It’s me. I’m the girl. Or I was. We may have all heard it before and I used to be someone who said it all the time...
I just get along with guys better.
I felt like girls didn’t like me, I couldn’t bond with them, I didn’t enjoy their company, and I really wanted nothing to do with them.
Well after recent a heartbreaking experience with a close guy friend, looking around for support and realizing I neglected all the relationships that could love me through it, and eventually regaining my footing, I can finally tackle this loaded subject.
MY STORY
My first best friend was a boy named David. He lived right next door to me. We were 5 years old, and he gave me my very first experience with friendship. We played outside together almost every day and we explored nature together (as much as we could in our driveways where our parents could see us).
I have a lot of my first memories with David. He rooted me on as I learned to ride my bike without training wheels, he watched the dances I choreographed and would join in with me, he helped my mom patch up a cut when I fell off my bike and scraped my leg, and as we grew older, he was always there to give me advice when I had boy trouble.
This pattern never changed. At every school, in every grade, and in every season of my life, I was always the kind of girl who only had close guy friends and I preferred it that way. I had a few female friends along the way, but the friendships never lasted.
In my experience, girls were nothing but dramatic, caddy, and always had some kind of issue. The problem was always them. But please let me shatter that opinion right now...the problem can’t ALWAYS be the other person.
This went on from 5 years old to 25 years old. I’m 25 years old now, so as you can see, I’m not that far removed from my struggle, but I don’t believe God wants us to wait 10 years before we share about his goodness in our lives.
Self-reflection is key to growth. Issues with people is a good indicator that we have issues with God. I didn’t have a problem making friends with women. I had an identity issue within myself that needed healing.
SOMETHING HAD TO BREAK
As I sat in my pastor’s office heartbroken one day about a failed friendship with a guy, he asked me if I had any women friends that could support me during this time. I told him that I haven’t really had much success in friendships with women and that I’ve always just had guy friends.
“I just don’t get along with women,” I told him. But he definitely didn’t let me settle with that as my answer. He told me that I could take a look around our church and see that friendship among women wasn’t the issue, because there were plenty of great examples — it was my perception of women that was the issue.
Ouch.
But he was right. My preference for male friends was much deeper than “I just get along with guys better.” It was deeply rooted in my inability to connect well with women because I didn’t have a healthy view of being a woman or loving one in friendship.
For the very first time in my life, I had to sit back and evaluate why I struggled with making and maintaining female friends. I also had to come to the terms that when I needed a solid sisterhood during this season of pain, it was my own fault I didn’t have them because I spent literally 2 decades neglecting them.
Something had to break in my current patterns for me to fully see the toxicity of them.
THE UGLY TRUTH
I secretly preferred friendship with guys because they made me feel good about myself. For whatever reason, compliments and attention from guys made me feel important, valued, and loved.
In some twisted way, girls felt like a threat to my worth. I actually felt very uncomfortable around them. I had so many unspoken insecurities that I just covered up with the phrase “I just get along with guys better.“
I was addicted to the way positive words from guys made me feel. It was like they had something to offer that women couldn’t. I didn’t see the value of friendship with women because I honestly thought they couldn’t offer me much. Women brought the exact same thing I brought to the table, so what did I need them for? As a child, I was also molested by a female family member and I’m sure that trauma shaped the way I felt about women. From a very early age my body learned that women and their touch were unsafe.
So, for a long time I had been seeking validation from guys. Being a lover of words of affirmation became unhealthy because I began to completely rely on those affirmations from men to feel good about myself. And when I didn’t get them, I’d figure out a way to get it — lying, manipulation, thirst trapping, and whatever other form of brokenness I could use to feel loved.
This led to ugly cycles of codependency, making men my idols, and a desperation for love that seemed beyond repair. Most recently, I had placed my worth and identity in one particular friendship and when it came crashing down, so did my ability to see my worth. I felt like nothing and my words and actions showed it.
WHERE AM I NOW?
This is the first season of my life where I haven’t had a male “best friend” and it’s...different. I am by no means completely successful in this area, but I’m learning the utter importance of having a community of women around me.
I’ve been getting close to one particular group of women and I can’t even begin to describe how loved and encouraged I feel. One girl sent me this text message below about a month ago that completely wrecked me:
I was completely wrong about women having nothing to offer me, because, during one of the lowest times of my life, it was a sister who came in who loved me so tremendously with her kind words.
It was a sister who rubbed my back during brunch and made me feel like it was ok not to be ok. And it was a sister who intentionally included me in plans and made sure I no longer kept hiding in my house, hiding all that God created me to be.
WHY A COMMUNITY OF WOMEN IS IMPORTANT
This blog is by no means supposed to be a bash on opposite-sex friendships. I think both men and women have unique God-given qualities that bring joy in life. My issue was being addicted to one and completely neglecting the other.
I wholeheartedly believe if I had more friendships with women in my life, it could have prevented a lot of heartache and mistakes. I’m certain someone would have grabbed me by the collar and pointed me away from a path of destruction. A woman could have lovingly held me accountable.
Having only friendships with men temporarily filled the voids in my heart that could really only be filled by Jesus. I believe having a healthy friendship with a Godly woman, however, would have pointed me to Jesus as my source of healing.
The support of sisters can help us through some of the toughest times in life. We don’t have to walk alone. Women can understand how each other feel in a way men oftentimes do not. There’s this sense of camaraderie that comes with being able to fall completely limp and broken in the arms of a sister who gets it.
I’m so much stronger and have experienced so much love and support during this vulnerable time in my life because I finally gave it a chance. I finally allowed God to work on my heart and actually open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, a woman could love me in the way I needed.
I feel so emotional talking about this because it’s been such a long journey, y’all. I didn’t realize how much healing I could experience through being friends with women. Furthermore, I didn’t realize how much my heart and soul needed and even desired it.
TO THE GIRL…
To the girl who prefers guys friends and only seeks friendships with them, I challenge you to ask yourself why. Ask yourself why you put more energy into relationships with men than your sisters. Be honest with yourself about why you prefer the company of men as opposed to women. Ask yourself the hard questions.
Are women always jealous of me? Or am I jealous of women?
Are women difficult, or do I just suck at conflict resolution, and friendships with guys is the easy way out?
Are women too emotional, or are they just like me, and I should celebrate that uniqueness?
There are always reasons for our preferences and actions that are probably much deeper rooted in brokenness than we think.
Take it from me, friend. Don’t neglect your relationships with women. They are valuable, needed, beautiful, healing, and should be protected and cherished.
When I fell flat on my face, it wasn’t validation from a man that could pick me up, it was the healing love of sisterhood. And it wasn’t many women in my corner either, it was the love of a few. And that was more than enough.
I definitely don’t get this perfect every time. Sometimes I still struggle because I’m still learning how to be friends with women. Those times I didn’t feel like answering one of their calls, is when I needed to make a choice to answer it anyway. The times I felt uncomfortable with one of them rubbing my back, I chose to let it happen anyway. The times we butted heads and I wanted to let them go (like I did in the past) I had to make a choice to engage in healthy dialogue and work through the issues. Every day I have to make the conscious decision to fight for friendships. It has made all the difference.
Below is a picture of the prayer that has been on my prayer board for over a year. I’ve learned that positioning yourself and opening yourself up for the answer to the prayer is just as important as the prayer itself.
All I can say is, God is so faithful.
