Am I Healed Yet?

Ever since I finished graduate school, I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to the unknown. School inevitably gave me structure. It gave me responsibilities, deadlines, and resources. I was able to look in my planner and know exactly what’s coming up. There was never really a day where I didn’t know what I had to do or when I had to be there. I prefer my life this way. 

Certain. 

Clear. 

I’ve always had a type-A personality and I absolutely hate dysfunction. I like things to be in order, timely, and detailed. I like having an agenda, knowing exactly what’s going on, and how I’m getting there. I used to tell myself I couldn’t function unless it was that way.

But baby, if you’ve lived any amount of time at all in the real world, you know that life is in no way, shape, or form certain or clear. Especially as you’re healing.

But let me rewind a bit. 

It wasn’t until I was finishing up school a couple of years ago that past traumas started to resurface. Every memory my brain repressed came flooding back and pouring out in the ugliest ways possible. I was showing up as a hot mess in my friendships, lying and manipulating to feel loved, having frequent panic attacks, and fighting depression.

After my second suicide attempt, I knew it was time to seek help.

At first, I was super naive about the healing process. No one really talks about the ugly side of healing. It certainly isn’t sunshine and rainbows. It’s more having a mirror constantly put up to your face that shows every single one of your flaws. It’s having to work through how other people’s mess has harmed you and coming to terms with the mistakes you’ve made and how they’ve affected others. It’s often questioning God and His goodness.

I’ve been actively seeking healing for the last three years and it has been HARD. Sometimes I feel lightyears away from being completely healed. But I guess that’s the point, right?

Now—more than ever—I understand the meaning of 2 Corinthians 12:9. When the Lord says His grace is sufficient—he’s talking about the highs and the lows. He’s God of the hills and the valleys, the victories and losses, your strength and your weakness.

Even when it feels like you’re not making any progress at all, His grace tells a different story. I personally had to entrust the Lord with my healing even when I didn’t know if I would make it to see the other side of it. Here’s what helped me do that:

Prayer

As cliche as it might seem, I learned to pray about everything. God cares and you can literally talk to him about everything you’re concerned about. Talking to God every day helped deepen my relationship with Him and ultimately build trust. It’s just like any other relationship. You have to get to know someone to truly be confident who they are and what their intentions are. 

Learning God’s Character

This comes from getting to know Him through prayer and also through His word. Even if something seems unclear or less than ideal to us when we truly understand God’s character, we can rest in the fact that He’ll NEVER fail us. Hebrews 13:5 says “...be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.’” Understanding that God is reliable was a game-changer for me. We can count on Him. Furthermore, it was really encouraging to know that the Lord finishes the work He starts (Philippians 1:6). So, even if I don’t see it until after this lifetime, I WILL be healed.

Therapy

I started seeing a therapist because as I said earlier, some very ugly parts of me started to manifest. I had mental health issues that were undiagnosed, traumas that were unresolved, and lies about identity that I had believed for years. Almost everything I knew about relationships and myself up to this point was built on a broken foundation and had to be unlearned. 

I believe in going to therapy because God can speak and work through counselors and therapists, too. Going to see a therapist doesn’t mean you don’t trust God. It means you’re taking care of what He has created—your mind. I know He has used my personal therapist in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine.

Remember: He’s In The Healing Season, Too

Oftentimes, it’s so easy to praise God in those “winning seasons”—the ones where God’s blessings are so evident and you just know His hand is at work. However, God is still just as sovereign in the season of healing as He is in the season of winning. As you’re on this journey, do you trust Him? Do you trust that He’s God on the mountaintop and still God in the lowest valley? When He says His grace is sufficient, are you willing to take His word for it?

To The Person Wondering If You’re Healing Yet:

I think the messiness and ugliness in our lives is a constant reminder that there is so much work to complete in us. The beat in our hearts and breath in our lungs is an indication that God is not done with that work. And I think if, for nothing else, that’s a reason to get up each morning, accept His new mercies, drown in His grace, and lean on Him as our Source of Life.

Practical Tip: Keep track of your answered prayers. It’s easy to forget the ways in which God has been moving in our lives. Here is an example of how I personally keep track of my answered prayers: I have a wire grid that I put my prayers on which binder clips (you can use clothesline pins too). Next to the board, I have a shadow box, that I put the prayer cards in once they’ve been answered. Decorate these and make them your own!