Dear Lust, We’re Breaking Up With You | Part 2
I took a poll on my Instagram a couple of weeks ago that asked questions about sex and the church.
Many people thought the following:
Lust goes away when you get married
The church doesn’t have healthy spaces to discuss sex & sexuality
The church taught them that their body and sex was bad
This is alarming.
In part one of this blog, I debunked these myths and discussed these issues in depth. So if you missed part one, click here to read it and then come back to this one!
Over the years, I think the church has tried so hard not to make sex a “thing” that we’ve made it a thing. I don’t think talking about it was ever the issue, though. Because even when we do talk about it, so many of us are still getting it wrong. We’re still falling into the grips of lust.
I think we’re having conversations about the wrong things. There’s a disconnect between what the church is saying and reality.
The truth: God beautifully designed humans with sex drives. He didn’t call it bad, he simply set parameters around it—marriage.
What the church says: Wait until marriage to have sex.
The reality: Those who are not married still have sex drives, still desire to have orgasms, and still have lust knocking at their doors. And saving sex for marriage sounds real cute until temptation knocks you down and whispers in your ear.
So then, how do we handle that practically? I think that’s the conversation we need to be having—without shame or fear-mongering.
Know your triggers
For many of us, there’s a certain thing or person that triggers lust in us. Pinpoint what yours is. Is it romantic movies? Certain songs? A certain person you’re constantly crossing boundaries with whether physical or emotional? Social media?
Write down your triggers, set a boundary around them, and make an action plan for them. We can believe that God will set us free all we want, but until we put action behind that faith (James 2:26), we’ll continue to fall into temptation.
For me, it’s drinking alcohol when I’m alone. Can’t do it. And I fail nearly every time I try to. So, I’ve created a boundary not to have wine in my home and only drink it socially when I’m out with close friends. When I stick to this boundary, I see SUCH a difference in my ability to flee from lust. Not to mention, it feels so good to honor my body in this way.
Take some time to be observant about your triggers. If you don’t know how to figure them out, here’s what you can do: When you feel turned on, pause and think about what you were JUST doing. Where you listening to music, watching tv, talking to someone? This will help you narrow it down.
Get accountability and be HONEST with them
When I kept lying to myself and saying I could “handle it” on my own is when I kept falling into temptation the most.
At one point, I was doing really well in the area of lust and thought I “had it all together.“ I let my guard down and even stopped praying for strength in this area. Sure enough, I eventually fell flat on my face.
It’s IMPERATIVE to remember that breaking free from lust is not something you can do on your own. It’s by the grace and help of GOD that we see freedom. Furthermore, accountability is essential to withstand the storm.
It wasn’t until I let a close sister in Christ know about my struggle that I started to experience freedom. In confession, there is healing.
Choosing an accountability partner is not something I took lightly, though. I knew I needed to trust the person and had to be confident they weren’t going to judge me when I confessed. I also needed someone who would speak the truth to me when I was trying to make excuses for sin. If I wanted to be free, I didn’t need someone co-signing my mess.
I chose my accountability partner because she has corrected me in the most loving way before. I knew I could trust her to have compassion, but also tell me the truth.
For this to happen though, I have to be honest with my accountability partner. She can’t hold me accountable if I’m lying about my struggles or withholding information.
If you don’t know who that person is for you, pray about it and the Lord will reveal them!
There are also so many resources for this very thing! I personally use the Accountable2You app, as well as the Victory app. Accountable2You lets you add accountability partners and it will alert them if you’ve been searching for inappropriate stuff.
If you’re anything like me, getting apps like these may seem “extreme” or “unnecessary” at first. However, I had to learn the hard way that we can’t think this way when it comes to sin because we’re susceptible to it at any time. Pride keeps us thinking we don’t need to go to such lengths, but if that were true—you wouldn’t be falling into temptation and hiding it. So, it’s more than necessary.
Find healthy ways to express sexuality
I think as a culture we place an overemphasis on the act of sexual intercourse. This causes us to completely overlook the fact that sexuality is more about intimacy and relationship than it is about actual sex. This makes sense, being that God is relational and His commandments are relational. Sex is merely one part of sexuality and intimacy.
At the core, your desire for sex is actually a desire to be known and share intimacy with another person. Yes, I think marriage is the one place we were designed to rightfully experience sexual intercourse, but I don’t think marriage is the only place we were meant to experience intimacy. We can experience intimacy with God, friends, family, community, etc. all of which have nothing to do with sex.
Our sexuality or the desire to connect, share, and relate are all parts of being created in the image of God. Therefore, there must be a healthy and holy way to do it.
Being how marriage is not promised to any of us, you can’t tell me that the people who never end up getting married are supposed to just be horny and suffer for life. I’d like to think we serve a kinder God than that.
We live in a society obsessed with sex. Even though sex is a very beautiful expression of intimacy, it’s not the total sum of intimacy. And our culture has cheapened it by constantly promoting it because it “sells.”
No amount of sex can replace the lack of connection and intimacy you’re actually yearning for.
So, here are a few ways can we express our sexuality in a healthy, God-honoring way:
Put on one of your favorite songs and dance—connect with your body and the words of the song
Invest into self-care: bubble baths, face masks, mani/pedi, shaving, etc. (This is NOT just for women, by the way)
Call a friend and invite them over to catch up
Take a salsa class (I think we can all agree that’s a sexy type of dance)
Get dressed up and have a girl’s or boy’s night out! Have a night of laughter and good food
Put on a fire outfit and take some self-portraits. Be sure to tap into your inner Tyra Banks
Pause, reflect, pray
The last tip I have is—whatever you do, don’t suppress the urge. Feeling sexual desire is completely natural and God made you that way!
When you try to act like you’re not turned on it’s just like someone saying “don’t think about the purple cow in the back of the room” … you’re going to look or at the very least think about the purple cow. However, instead of trying to shove down the urges or running to porn, masturbation, or your ex for a quick release—pause and get honest with God about how you’re feeling. He wants to hear from you.
Thank Him for designing your body this way, journal or pray about why you’re feeling aroused, and ask the Lord to help with redirecting those feelings to something healthy and God-honoring.
By Grace, we can be free
Contrary to societal norms, we’re not animals with no control of ourselves. Self-control is a characteristic that we can develop as believers with the help of the Holy Spirit. That doesn’t mean we have to act like sexual desires don’t exist, though. It means to surrender them to the Lord because Creators always know how to handle their creations. Sex drive is no different.
By the grace of God, we’re free. It’s our decision to walk in that freedom. These practical steps, in addition to prayer and reading the Bible are a great way to walk in the freedom God has given us.
Love you fried!
