The 5 Languages of Apology: Learning How to Say “I’m Sorry”

Mar 22

Over the last couple of years, I’ve been doing quite a bit of apologizing. A lot of apologies have come my way as well.

If you have relationships and connections with people, there will come a time you’ll need to apologize. It doesn’t matter if it’s a significant other, your mom, brother, friend, or mentor — we are all bound to hurt someone and need to say sorry.

While searching the internet a bit ago for a 5 love language quiz to send someone, I came across something about apologies. Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages, also wrote a book called, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships. Who knew?

It can be challenging to hear that you’ve done something wrong. And it takes emotional maturity to listen without getting defensive, take accountability, and rectify the situation.

If we want healthy relationships, we need to know how to apologize. So, how do we apologize well? And how can we apologize in a way the other person best receives it?

According to Dr. Chapman’s research, much like there are specific ways we like to be loved, there are also particular ways we prefer someone to apologize to us. Each of us considers something different to be a sincere apology. There’s also biblical evidence for each one.

The 5 languages of apology:

Expressing regret
Accepting responsibility
Making restitution
Genuinely repenting
Requesting forgiveness

Now, let’s break down each one.

Expressing Regret

“The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God” (Psalm 51:17).

If expressing regret is your apology language, you need to hear the words “I’m sorry for____.” You need to see that the person who harmed you regrets their actions.

An apology that expresses regret may sound like, “I’m sorry for lying to you. I feel awful I did that.” This shows that the person feels remorse for hurting you.

Accepting Responsibility

“But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us for our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness” (1 John 1:9).

When accepting responsibility is your apology language, excuses won’t do. We can devise one million reasons for why we did something: I forgot, I was busy, etc. But if your apology language is accepting responsibility, you need to hear that the person is taking ownership of their wrongdoing.

This apology may sound like, “I was wrong to yell at you. I should never raise my voice in this relationship.” This shows the person owns up to the fact that yelling was not the correct response.

This is my personal apology language.

Making Restitution

“If someone steals an ox or sheep and then kills or sells it, the thief must pay back five oxen for each ox stolen, and four sheep for each sheep stolen” (Exodus 22:1).

Making restitution means to make something right or to restore it. If this is your apology language, then an apology feels most sincere when someone asks how they can repay you.

This apology may sound like, “I’m sorry for hurting you; what can I do to make this right? You mean so much to me.” This apology shows that the person cares about hurting you and wants to improve things.

Genuinely Repenting

“Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land” (2 Chronicles 7:14).

When we genuinely repent, we express the desire to change. True repentance means turning around and going in the opposite direction of sin. If genuinely repenting is your apology language, you desire the person who harmed you to make a plan to change their behavior, so it doesn’t happen again. You’re looking for a “next step.”

This apology may sound like, “I’m so sorry I stood you up for dinner. I didn’t realize I double-booked with you and another friend. Next time I will be sure to write everything in my planner so that it doesn’t happen again.” This shows that the person recognizes the poor habit and is willing to create a practical plan to do better next time.

Requesting Forgiveness

“People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

If requesting forgiveness is your apology language, you may feel like the person isn’t genuinely sorry until they’ve asked for forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness is different than demanding it. When you demand forgiveness, you take away the sincerity in your apology. Give the person space to forgive you.

This apology may sound like, “I’m so sorry that I embarrassed you in front of my family. It wasn’t right to make that joke, and it won’t happen again. Will you please forgive me?” Then give them the space to decide.

Why does any of this matter?

Apologies matter because none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, and sometimes we hurt other people. The Bible places importance on forgiving others and asking for forgiveness.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” It matters this much to God. Before you even continue worshiping him, he wants you to go and make things right with others.

We need each other, and as people created in the image of God, we should respect one another. Hopefully, no one’s expectation is that you’ll get everything right all the time, but instead, the expectation is that when you don’t get it right, you can acknowledge it.

Restoration of relationships is truly beautiful. I’ve seen the ugliest disagreements get resolved when people walk in humility and genuinely apologize to one another. I pray we can collectively place pride aside and own up to our behavior. How much more fruitful would our relationships be if we did that? How loving is that?