An Open Letter To The Person Struggling To Forgive

Dear Friend,

So, I hear you’re struggling with forgiveness? That’s ok, me too.

First, I want to say I’m sorry. If no one has ever acknowledged your pain, I will. I’m sorry you were hurt, offended, taken advantage of, abused, betrayed, neglected, abandoned, rejected, forgotten, whatever it may be — I am so sorry.

Second, I want to say that you need to let it out. We can’t heal what we continue to hide. So, cry if you need to, scream if you need to, punch a pillow if you need to, talk to a therapist if you need to, write your own letter if you need to — just give yourself space to feel. It’s healthy to do this.

It amazes me how we’re expected to heal, but are programmed to neglect our “negative” feelings. We will never understand how to deal with anger, bitterness, or sadness if we’re pressured to hide these feelings when they arise.

So, how exactly do we handle forgiveness? It’s no secret that humans can be pretty messed up sometimes. As broken people, we unfortunately will hurt each other, and keeping that pain bottled up is so unhealthy.

Letting go is much easier said than done, but it’s rewarding.

At first it can feel like the person got away with hurting you if you choose to forgive them. It’s almost like harboring the pain makes us feel like we’re back in control after we’ve been wounded. But understand this: forgiving someone does not excuse the offense or let them “off the hook” but really, it places them in God’s hands and allows Him to justly handle the situation. We can trust that He’s always working and cares about our pain.

Also, forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. I had to learn this the hard way because I thought it did. Romans 12:18 says, “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” In other words, when it comes to forgiveness, you are only responsible for yourself. 

If someone chooses not to apologize, make things right, or reconcile— as long as you’ve done your part, the rest is out of your hands. I used to try to “force” reconciliation and honest conversations with people who didn’t desire the same. This only led to more heartache.

Furthermore, sometimes complete restoration of a relationship may not be healthy depending on what happened. In cases of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, etc), for example — safety absolutely comes first. In a case like this, the best way to remain at peace with the person is to maintain as much distance as possible unless they’ve proven they have changed.

One of the most powerful things I’ve ever heard about forgiveness is that it isn’t something we have to figure out how to do on our own or something we have to pull out of mid-air. Rather, it’s already available to us, given by God. So, we just have to allow it to flow to us from Him, then through us to others. 

“Forgiving What You Can’t Forget“ by Lysa TerKeurst has been a life-changing book for me that dives deep into this subject.

Remember that people in pain cause pain.

This is not an excuse for their harmful actions, but a reminder that the same grace and forgiveness we need from God is the same grace and forgiveness others need, too. 

By no means am I saying the person wasn’t wrong or to ignore your pain or to even stay in an unhealthy environment. 

Acknowledge the offense, but be free. Be free from the chains of unforgiveness. Be free from the pain that swallows you up every day. Be free from the heartache you’re experiencing.  Because if you’re being completely honest with yourself, even if you’ve convinced yourself that you’ve “moved on,” if you haven’t done the hard work of forgiveness — you more than likely still have remaining negative feelings about the person who hurt you.

Are you ready to heal?

One thing that has been helpful for me to remember is making the choice to forgive doesn’t mean the hurt goes away instantly. And just because I’m still hurt doesn’t mean I haven’t made the choice to forgive. The impact of the offense will take some time to heal and feel OK again. It is definitely a continuous process. But it isn’t a process that’s forced on you. You have to make the choice to partake.

I understand that forgiveness can feel so hard, friend — but I challenge you to shift the question from “why should I forgive them?” to “am I ready to heal?”

This changes things.